GBF week

~Sarah~

This coming up week, we get a break from classes and routine. It doesn't seem that we've been at it long enough to get a break, but it's the first Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of the month which means it's time for the Global Bridegroom Fast. The premise of this is that for the first three work days of the month the entire IHOP community abandons regular routine and comes together to give the firstfruits of thier month to God. All the staff attends the 10 am and 4 pm intercession meetings together and takes part in some form of fasting. When we give the firstfruits of our month to God, we are more productive the rest of the month.

Let me say that I've never fasted at my origional intention. I've dabbled in fasting here and there, but in the end I ate more (or listened more or watched more... not just about food) than I was intending, and prayed less than I was intending. Even the fast I did for Cleansing Ministry... what I would consider my most "successful" fast was less than I was wanting to do. I am so glad that God's view of success in such things is more merciful than mine. If He looked at David's life, Abraham's life, etc. and declared "steady and faithful" over them, even when my only Slimfast shake fast turns into any kind of shakes plus soup and crackers, I truly believe He is not angrily hovering over me yelling "unsteady! unfaithful!". I'm on my way. I've set my heart to this journey. Right now, being pregnant, God is saving me from the sort of hyper-spiritualism that I'm so prone to. I cannot vow to God that I will only drink water for those 3 days. But there are a lot of little indulgences I hang onto that I can let go of. Can I find my solace in winding down after a busy day by sitting quietly before Him instead of diving into a novel? Can I find the flavor of life in Him instead of in salt and sugar? There are many things, though they seem small and "unspiritual" to me that I can set aside in order to persue Him more.

The wonderful thing about fasting that I've found is that the more I fast, the less I have to fast. Meaning this. I started fasting the radio for two weeks over two years ago. I have not listened to the radio since. In fasting the radio, I found how much better life was with out it and I didn't want to go back. Although I have watched tv since our 40 day fast of it, I watch it about 1/20th the amount of time I used to. Weeks and weeks go by with out the tv going on. It used to be on at least 3 hours a day. For the noise if not for the entertainment. By fasting tv, it lost it's pull on me. Life is better with out it. Same with ice cream after dinner. It seems like each time I fast, my options are more limited in that there are less distractions to get rid of. Don't get me wrong, at this point there are many distractions. When I'm not pregnant or nursing, food will definitely be one of them. But for now, I can focus on my choices of foods. And in those things that seem little, but have a big pull on my heart.

I'm trying to keep in my mind that it's a marathon I'm running and not a sprint. A fasted lifestyle, not just a fast. In coming here, we've fasted a lot of things. We're fasting a car, a dishwasher, a washing machine and drier, an extra bedroom, a steady paycheck, family, friends, the comfort of knowing how to get where we want to go, a pool, etc. And yet already I'm discovering those things that I thought would be a big deal really aren't. An inconvience in many instances, but far from a big deal. I went up to ask Dale about fasting when pregnant. He said two things. #1. Pregnancy itself is a kind of fast. There's many things you give up while you're pregnant. Just turn those motivations around and seek Him in them. #2. Why are you asking me? Ask God. (He didn't say it exactly like that) Oh yeah. I knew that.

Perhaps one reason my fasts have never measured up in my opinion is that I've tried to jump from point A to point Y. Okay, I've never fasted before, but I'm going to fast everything but water for a week. I haven't wanted to take baby steps. I've been embarrased by my immaturity. I've had the wrong view about fasting. I've wanted to impress God with my zeal. I wanted to blow Him away and really make Him think He did good when He choose to save me. In reality, that's not what fasting is about. The bridegroom fast is a type of morning for lack of His presence. It earns us nothing. Impresses no one. Does not qualify us for brownie points of any kind. It's a cry of " I love You" and "I want to love You more". Lou Engle has broken more fasts than I have. Why? Because he's not as faithful as me? Ha! He's been at it awhile. When you start working out, you try out the 5 or 10 pound weights and work yourself up. Only I've tried in the spirit to bench press 100 pounds in so many different areas. And I get frustrated. I think I've failed God and myself. The faithful aren't those who can benchpress the most. They're the ones who started out with the little weights and kept at it, day after day.

So, I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm maturing in Him, though I wish I was maturing faster. He delights in each new skill I master, just as Kevin and I take such pleasure in Hadessah each time she learnes something new. We're not frustrated and embarrased that she can't talk in complete sentences. We're not hiding her in the corner because she can't dance around the room. We applaud each and every step in maturity. Each sound. Each word. Each action. They bring joy to our hearts. God is like that with me. He's not embarrased of me because I can't fast better or don't pray as much as the guy over there. He delights in my every step, because I am not just sitting and wishing. I'm walking on this journey. I'm running in the race. I've set my heart to know Him. I'm competing for the crown. And He is overjoyed.